Yesterday I Had a Panic Attack in Front of 100 Strangers. I’m Also an Experienced Public Speaker.

Yesterday, I found myself having a full-blown panic attack in front of 100 mostly strangers, and it was one of the most weirdly validating experiences I’ve had as an adult.

It wasn’t one of those situations where I was having a panic attack and 100 people happened to see—it was me being unexpectedly called to the front of the room and THEN having a panic attack because I was there, on display, in front of a room full of strangers.

Which is doubly weird if you consider my history as a public speaker. Or maybe not, if you’ve ever been a public speaker.

The Hidden Costs of Visibility in Entrepreneurship

We talk a lot about visibility in entrepreneurship. But we don’t often talk about what it costs.

I know what it costs, and I know what it’s going to cost me this time too, which is where the panic attack came from.

There isn’t one neat and tidy answer of what it costs, because it’s all the things. I recently wrote about something similar in my chapter of When Women Talk V3: Notes from the Future (#WWT3).

They’re inherited fears, and just like my grandmother’s fine China, I don’t want them. I’m trying to unpack them so I can finally be free of them and live more authentically.

1. The Fear of Entitlement and Loss of Safety

It’s the fear of having people believe they are entitled to full access to you just because you’re public-facing. I once had a man show up at my house because he saw one of my YouTube videos and wanted to “get to know me better,” and that’s not even the craziest story I have of stalking behaviour from both strangers and people I know. Because being visible means opening myself up to those people again.

2. The Fear of Public Criticism at Scale

It’s the fear of criticism. Everybody has an opinion, and when you’re public-facing, they WILL tell you how much you suck. But at scale. For the most insane reasons. And sometimes they bring their friends.

Back in the days of Canada implementing our anti-spam legislation (CASL), I had a team of “email marketing experts” publicly attack me personally and professionally, because I was offering assistance to clients to bring their lists up to the new requirements. My crime? Offering it for free and undermining their paid offer, while having the audacity to post about it publicly while having less than 500 followers. The attacks came at me for weeks, and honestly, I’m still trying to unpack it 12 years later.

3. The Weight of Expectations and Disappointment

It’s the fear of being a disappointment. This one comes right from the “Gifted Child to Burned out Underachiever” / the Eldest Daughter & Grandchild playbook combo, because I was both, and they came with a LOT of expectations placed on me by my family.

If you didn’t grow up this way, it means that I started babysitting at 9 years old. It also means the adults “knew” I was going to do great things and placed all their expectations on me starting very young. It never mattered how much I accomplished, because there was always another expectation waiting. It meant never being “enough”.

I remember being 14 years old, getting ready for my afterschool job, and having to say no when my uncle needed an emergency babysitter for his 4 kids. And the way that man went off on me for “abandoning him in his time of need” is the reason I still hate him 34 years later, and why I still shame spiral when I say no.

I recently told my mother that I was writing a book and had a story being published, and her response was “it’s about time, I’ve been waiting for you to write a book since you were little.” And I found myself unable to write for a while because her well-meaning off-hand comment moved it from what I want to what is expected of me.

Reparenting, Impact, and Healing in Public

I have spent the last several years reparenting myself because I was never allowed to be a child.

The panic attack I had on stage in front of 100 strangers yesterday wasn’t because I was afraid of them. Or even because I’m afraid of visibility. It’s because I know that my words, my story, my presence — has impact.

But I don’t see that as a gift; I see it as a responsibility and an obligation, and the inner child I’m reparenting wants nothing to do with it, so she had a little tantrum.

I’m not sure I’m ready for that level of responsibility on someone else’s life again. But I also can’t keep silent anymore. The words are bursting out and I can’t contain them. If the microphone was held in front of me longer, I would have spoken and not shut up for hours.

So I know it’s time, and I’m just going to have to accept that I’m going to need to be OK with doing a lot of healing in public.

So if you see me out there having an identity crisis, or public unravellings, just know that I’m letting the inner child have her tantrum so we can continue the work.

Thank you to the women in that room who held space for me.